He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills