I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.