A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.