Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
We found love in a hopeless place.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
secret recipe
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late