DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
You Might Also Like
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe