All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
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Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Meeeee too!
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.