An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
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Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes