I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now