Will work for food. Except carrots. Also no beans or vegetables. Fruits also out. Also, anything “grainy.” Five Guys or In & Out is OK.
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me in tagged photos
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
The Birdles
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.