2 am hospital trips. That’s the Parenting life😩
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Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…