Kids be like, We interrupt your sleep to bring you this important message: “My blanket fell off.”
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
They’re stuck in your pants?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
what it’s like dating me:
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.