My daughter’s s new favorite game is called “walk around the table together”. It’s about as exciting as you’re imagining
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
ibopfufen
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.