One of y’all son’s has a crush on my daughter and gave her his glasses today. His prescription glasses that he cannot see without. Just like a boy doing anything to impress a girl. Giving up the gift of sight is crazy 😂😩
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Scream sneezers need love too.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.