You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.