I couldn’t find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I’m just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?