I couldn’t find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I’m just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Worst Native American name ever.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.