Maybe if i dressed up as Iced coffee for Halloween, she’ll post me on her story
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Breaking news:
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
🏙👨🏼
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.