My 12-year-old wants to dress up as a scarecrow this Halloween so he can sit unmoving in front of the house and scare every kid that comes to get candy, and I’m struggling to think of more reasons to say no than “your mom will get mad.”
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
prepare for carbonated trouble
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING