Shoutout to parents who were trying to plan ahead but are already returning a Halloween costume.
You Might Also Like
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
This is painfully accurate 😅
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.