Want to be really scary on Halloween? Pass out slime… parents will be terrified.
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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Goat cheese is for herders.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?