Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
o shit
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.