Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
let’s discuss
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.