Awesome parenting 😂
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Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
No, YOUR illiterate.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?