Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans