*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗