Best spot.. 馃槄
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can鈥檛 afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she鈥檚 responding by screaming at him and I鈥檓 so glad I followed everyone鈥檚 advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister鈥檚 toys.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain鈥檛 gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I鈥檓 okay with that.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]