Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Best spot.. 😅
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”