BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart