Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
this is funnier than any friends episode
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
car not found
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim