can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.