CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The Assassin.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!