Children of the corn 馃尳
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The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn鈥檛 know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel鈥檚 jar.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there鈥檚 a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Here鈥檚 a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it鈥檚 easier to make burgers out of it.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I鈥檓 not sure if there鈥檚 a Hotdog Bell at all.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Don鈥檛 be alarmed,
you鈥檙e not a clock.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.