CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 馃崵
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Forget spiders, I鈥檝e incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don鈥檛 believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 馃樁
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.