Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
can’t bark with your mouth full
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?