do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
the greatest twitter interaction
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids