Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer