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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.