Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
wow he looks just like him
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.