Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
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There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
$4 #usedbooks
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
pls suprot
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.