*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Finished stitching this today 😇
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Seems a bit forward
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020