Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
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As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Nothing to do, you say?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.