can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
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If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*