Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes