@funTweeters thanks so much!! 馃槝
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they鈥檒l break your heart and move in with your brother
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I鈥檓 not the one who鈥檚 gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren鈥檛 already fed up with each other enough as it is
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Can鈥檛. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I鈥檓 the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Happy Halloween 馃巸
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Left my fianc茅 at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don鈥檛 want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it鈥檚 how I make money.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles