Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
You Might Also Like
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
ugh not again
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me, in DM rooms…
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific