Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it馃槖
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[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My company promotes diversity
We鈥檇 never hire twins
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I need a headline like this
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what鈥檚 wrong with you
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can鈥檛 find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn鈥檛 you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
If you aren鈥檛 happy single, you won鈥檛 be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Need special medicine for our son鈥檚 kidneys but we can鈥檛 afford it because we bought printer ink last week 馃檨
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
then why did i get this email
I dunno when it stopped, but I鈥檓 kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that鈥檚 what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I can鈥檛 wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If by bandwidth you鈥檙e talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.