What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.