Haha! 😂
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“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello