Here鈥檚 this year鈥檚 kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn鈥檛 the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn鈥檛 have the guts!
Happy Halloween 馃巸
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I鈥檓 sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I鈥檝e been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I鈥檓 now an alcoholic race horse.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don鈥檛 drink.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that鈥檚 just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Kids today don鈥檛 know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you鈥檙e always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.