How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.