Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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I see your IQ test came back negative
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.